Who Would Jesus Plagiarize?

From the WH Press Secretary:

"Tim Goeglein has loyally served President Bush for over seven years and worked tirelessly on his behalf to promote the President's policies. Among his contributions, Tim helped establish the President's Faith-Based and Community Initiative, and the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief. He also played an important role in the confirmation of Supreme Court Justices Roberts and Alito.

Today, Tim accepted responsibility for the columns published under his name in his local newspaper, and has apologized for not upholding the standards expected by the President. The President was disappointed to learn of the matter, and he was saddened for Tim and his family. He has long appreciated Tim's service, and he knows him to be a good person who is committed to his country. President Bush accepted Tim's resignation today. "

Ah, yes. Faith-Based Initiatives and the bald-faced lying and thievery of other folk's intellectual property. They go together like Domenech and the Washington Post, like DKGoodwin and Russert, like Barnicle and Imus.

The fellow who wrote the book Goeglein stole from...that's a little bit understandable. I haven't checked it but it probably didn't sell many copies.

But plagiarizing music columns from Jonathan Yardley of the WaPo?!?!?! What...the LA Times doesn't have any Cole Porter fans? [tip of the hat to The Kenosha Kid, via Eschaton]

Hey, buddy...some of us read the paper every day. We're not all Bloombergs. You were bound to get caught.

I'm gonna make a t-shirt: Who Would Jesus Plagiarize?

Bloomberg Decides Not to Run

Apparently Mayor Bloomberg announces in tomorrow's NYTimes that he ISN'T running for President.

Duh, ya think? Bloomberg's been stalling so long he was making Fred Thompson seem more decisive than John Paul Jones.

Dude hardly reads the paper. You wanted him to run our country?

The possibility exists for Mayor Mike, however, to swoop in as McCain's VP. Maybe that is what this announcement is really about. FatCat billionaire rescues the destitute St. John W. McSurge.

Bloomberg Outraged About Old McCain News

Mayor Bloomberg announced today that he was shocked, just shocked, and very angry that the New York Times reporters wrote mean things last week about Johnny Mac, scandal-wise. "I hope that the Times would be more careful the next time," he said, a tone of menace in his reedy voice. Apparently Mayor Mike reads his Thursday NYT first thing the following Tuesday.

In other news, Mayor Bloomberg opined that the reported Swift-boating of John Kerry was "outrageous." The New York Post reporters who used these rumors for article ideas would have "a negative impact" on Mr. Kerry's chances, he said.

He concluded his press conference by also saying that there was no truth to evil rumors that President Cleveland was responsible for the Panic of 1893. Bloomberg thoughfully rubbed his chin and exclaimed that reporters for The Sun who had written accusatory stories detailing those rumors should be "horsewhipped" for attempting to "hornswoggle" the public.

Today's Backronym

Today's Backronym is SPAM.

I like SPAM. I'm talking about SPAM luncheon meat. SPAM started out as a portmanteau of "SPiced hAM."

When I was in Hawaii I learned that some folks like to fry it up for breakfast, and now, when I have a can lying around, I sometimes do the same.

According to Wikipedia, though, it has been turned into a backronym.

It has "unofficially assigned acronyms" including:

Specially Processed Assorted Meat
Slime Posing As Meat
Some Parts Are Meat
Specially Prepared American Meat
Scientifically Produced Artificial Meat
Sedatives, Preservatives, And Meat
Stuff Posing As Meat
Spare Parts After Mutilation

And, of course, "spam" refers to that nasty email detritus that plagues us all.

This definition generated:

Self-Propelled Automated Mailings
Stupid, Pointless, Annoying Messages

There are lots of varities, too.

Spam Black Pepper
Spam Less Sodium
Spam Garlic
Spam and Cheese
Spam with Bacon (Hormel bacon)
Spam Spread
Spam Fritters
Spam Lite (containing pork and chicken)
Spam Golden Honey Grail
Spam Hot and Spicy (with Tabasco sauce)
Spam Hickory Smoked
Spam Oven Roasted Turkey

Consider yourself spammed.

Saturday Coffee Run; Jared's 10th

Today is the conclusion of a week of my commuting news, with politics and observations thrown in: From a driving perspective today, there's not much to report.

Saturday is a day of hanging around our town, running errands.

An early morning coffee run to the nicer (i.e., newer: we have two in town) Dunkin' Donuts. We like doing this on a Saturday morning...Me and Mrs. MI.

We get coffees, occasionally donuts to bring to back if the kids aren't with us, perhaps a blueberry muffin to split. And we drive around town, looking at houses that have gone on the market and just exploring in general. We've lived in town for 9 years but our town is large and spread out, and we are still discovering new places to walk or hike or bike.

Later in the day, a run to the dump, er, transfer station.

Perhaps a trip to the local hardware store, or to Stop & Shop for groceries.

Today I stopped at the combo gas station (Mobil)/Subway shop in town to fill up. The Subway owner had posted a large life-size decal of Jared. He's holding his (size 6X?) pants from 10 years ago out at arm's length. This represents some kind of anniversary celebration of his initial weight loss. Good for Jared.

I actually like Subway sometimes...fast food, but it stays down. Some of the ingredients are fresh. But the image of Jared bull-fighting Fat with giant blue denims does the opposite of what the Subway marketing folks intended, I think.

Looking at the present day skinny Jared, though, holding out his parachute jeans so big that the old Dick Gregory would have been swimming in them...that just puts me off eating anything. Ever. Again.

I might just begin a weekend fast.

6-10 inches of snow, but no rollovers!

Wow. I just drove home through a decent snowstorm and I really only saw one vehicle driving way too fast for the conditions. And he/she didn't roll it. The traffic was very light, too.

Mitigating circumstances:

1) school vacation week
2) well-anticipated storm that didn't start until AFTER morning rush
3) snowfall was light to moderate all day
4) little wind
5) it was a Friday, so some opted to just stay home

All in all, a convergence not unlike the lunar eclipse earlier in the week. All the conditions lined up perfectly to keep all the humans, at least on my stretch of 95, alive.

*******************************************

Oh, and on the politics front, Johnny Mac may not be having sex with a lobbyist.

But apparently every other possible McCain campaign activity you can think of:

fundraising
advising
serving as chief of staff
gassing the Straight Talk Express
pilotting private jets around the country
opening doors
passing out campaign literature
eating
wiping him down

IS performed by lobbyists.

Conservatives are weenies w/o principles, take 2

All it took for reluctant cons to swing to St. John McCain was for him to get sandbagged by the New York Times. JM and his Stepford wife, Cindy, made an impassioned plea for us all to ignore this story. Amazingly, though, he did not deny any specifics of the lobbying accusations.

Rush apparently jumped to Johnny Mac's defense. RedState and the other RW nutjob blogs are doing likewise. Romney's old campaign staff is apparently crying in their Maalox that the story hadn't broken in December. Someday the History Channel will run a "what if" special on just that topic. And meanwhile, Demosthenes at Shadow of the Hegemon raises an eyebrow: Huckleberry seems to be the prime recipient of any good to come of this story (scroll down to read "Yippee-Kay-Yay, GOP.") Makes you think, does it not????

All that is necessary for the conversion to be complete is for Mr. Dobson to come around. And why wouldn't he? As far as Rev. Dobson knows, Crazy Eyes John never Had Sex With That Woman.

*******************************************************************

In commuting news this week: the drivers on I-95 have been particulary cranky, which I attribute in part to the full moon. Now that the moon is waning again, I expect some semblance of sanity to return (that is, they will only drive 75 and not 90 in the breakdown lane, and I will have to actually do something to one of them to earn getting the bird).

Stayed home to watch the total eclipse of McCain

Well, the NYT is dropping the bomb on McCain.

They are running an article about his old Keating Five days, as well as the more recent appearance of impropriety with a blonde lobbyist named Vicki Iseman, 30 years younger than he. They were quite close during his last Presidential run, back in 2000. Saint John McCain, indeed. In the pic they are running with the article, she could be Cindy McCain's little sister.

The denial from Johnny Mac, just posted on the web, coincides with an eclipse of the Moon. As I speak the partial has begun, and we are ~thirty minutes from totality.

The eclipse is a perfect metaphor for McCain. He was eclipsed by his Admiral forebears in the Navy growing up, so he's always bucked authority. He is eclipsed financially by his heiress wife. He was eclipsed by Bush in 2000, and stayed in the umbra until this past summer. And now the upstart Obama in this year's campaign is eclipsing him, even though he only has 3 years in the Senate and McCain has 49. Or am I confusing McCain with Fidel? They are pretty close in age...

btw: if you're wondering about today's commuting news: I worked from home: Woo hoo!!!!

Drove about 8 miles total, running errands in town.

My Carbon Footprint

Costa Rica wants to be carbon-neutral by 2020. Good luck with that, compadres.

Being a typical Ugly American Addicted to Gasoline and Cars, my carbon footprint is the size of Chicxulub.

I drive ~100 miles each way, 4 times a week. My car gets 31 mpg, but still...that's a whole heaping lot of carbon.

One of my goals this year is to greatly reduce this, ASAP. The key is to appear more industrious at work so they will allow me to work from home more than once a week. Actual industriousness is not necessary. This is AMERICA. I just need to appear industrious.

A Grimacing Local Egg Wearing Sunglasses

"Brown eggs are local eggs, and local eggs are fresh..." So goes the TV jingle hawking brown eggs. So today I combine TV advertising with commuting news.

Driving in every morning, there is an interesting sign as you head north approaching the junction of I-95 and I-93...the representation of this junction looks like the Love symbol #2 Prince used when he was The Artist Formerly Known as Prince. If you stay on 95/128 like I do, you are rerouted from a northerly route to a westerly route for a mile or so, before the highway begins to arc north again.

As soon as I headed west from this junction I could see the setting moon straight ahead, approaching fullness but still 2 days away from full. There were two dark lines of thin clouds crossing the face of the moon. Its appearance distorted by the atmosphere, the waxing moon looked a brown egg with sunglasses on and a big crooked Cheney smile. Ugh. I shivered.

Pawtucket's S-Curves

Seeing how the week began with a transportation theme, it is wholly appropriate to continue in that vein.

I drive through Providence and therefore Pawtucket several times a week on my commute to the Boston area. I'd say this section of Interstate 95 was designed by morons, but that implies at least some thought and planning.

From the Providence line through Pawtucket are these hideous S-curves. As soon as you careen through one, another appears up ahead in front of you. They really aren't banked well like the S-curves in a racetrack are...so on a rainy day like today they can be especially treacherous.

Coincidentally tonight while driving home through them I heard a Sheryl Crow song I like: "Every Day is a Winding Road." When you commute to Boston from RI, it certainly is.

The song opens with a bongo drum solo...and I imagined rapping RIDOT engineers' foreheads with my knuckles in time with the beat.

Gov. Carcieri Picks Big Dig Manager to Run RIDOT

Governor Donald Carcieri (R-Clueless) has chosen Michael P. Lewis to take over Rhode Island’s troubled Department of Transportation.

Lewis is famous for overseeing Boston’s Big Dig, a construction project that jumped in price from $2.6 billion to $14.8-billion over a 7-year period.

Cost-overruns. Quality issues. One death.

In other news, Carcieri is said to be considering Michael Brown, formerly of FEMA, to run Rhode Island's Emergency Management Agency. For the role of science advisor, Carcieri is said to be looking at one of the former Morton Thiokol engineers who designed the O-rings on Shuttle Challenger. And for his new chief of staff, Carcieri is said to be pondering Mike DuHaime, the genius campaign manager from the recently-deceased Giuliani campaign.

Saudi Arabia v. UK, or Bandar Bush Hearts London

From the Guardian:

"Saudi Arabia's rulers threatened to make it easier for terrorists to attack London unless corruption investigations into their arms deals were halted, according to court documents revealed yesterday.

Previously secret files describe how investigators were told they faced "another 7/7" and the loss of "British lives on British streets" if they pressed on with their inquiries and the Saudis carried out their threat to cut off intelligence.

Prince Bandar, the head of the Saudi national security council, and son of the crown prince, was alleged in court to be the man behind the threats to hold back information about suicide bombers and terrorists. He faces accusations that he himself took more than £1bn in secret payments from the arms company BAE.

He was accused in yesterday's high court hearings of flying to London in December 2006 and uttering threats which made the prime minister, Tony Blair, force an end to the Serious Fraud Office investigation into bribery allegations involving Bandar and his family.

The threats halted the fraud inquiry, but triggered an international outcry, with allegations that Britain had broken international anti-bribery treaties."

Any surprise that the Bushies are tight with "Bandar Bush" and the rest of the Riyadh criminals?

One favor I ask of the Creator

I don't ask our Creator for much.

I asked for a couple of extra seasons of Futurama...and this was granted, albeit the extra seasons were truncated by those heartless bastards at FOX, who really hated the show. And the few extra seasons we got were pre-empted or interrupted by pro football and every other special event FOX could summon.

Yesterday Harriet Myers and Josh Bolten were finally voted as being in contempt of Congress for ignoring their subpoenas months ago in the U.S. Attorney scandal investigation.

So all I ask the Creator is that Myers and Bolten get frog-marched by the Sergeant-at-Arms, via inherent contempt, into the little jail cells that exist in the catacombs of the U.S. Congress.

I don't care if W tries to pardon both of them the next day....I just want them arrested, dragged through an airport or three in handcuffs, and shoved into Congress' basement lockup for 24 hours, with hundreds of little flash bulbs going off.

Bush can fly back from Africa like the Phantom and pardon them...I don't care. It is obvious with the nonstop stonewalling we've gotten from the Bushies that pardons are in line for all of them, anyhow, as long as Bush can abuse that power.

Please God, if you're reading this...do this for me. You kinda half screwed me on Futurama. 24 hours and I'll call it even. Thanks eternally, in advance.

Your pal, Larry

Update - turns out Bush may not have the power to pardon them: according to Wikipedia, 'Presidential pardons appear not to apply to a civil contempt procedure like the above, since it is not an "offense against the United States" or against "the dignity of public authority"'

So there you have it, Lord. Not even Bush can mess with inherent contempt. He's practically daring you to do it. And it's Matt Groening's birthday.

A weird day in politics: Romney Hearts McCain

So Willard has released his delegates to John McCain. I wonder what conservatives make of this development?

Some of those votes for Willard were protest votes: long after he dropped out. "Nah, I'm givin' 'em to Johnny Mac, cuz we're so alike!" Go ahead, cons, rip your ears off and poke out your own eyes.

Then Lincoln Chafee (R-Looney Tunes) endorsed Obama. Now don't get me wrong...I am all for folks endorsing Obama. But Lincoln Chafee!?!?

This is a guy who claims that Bush went to war illegally and wasn't deserving of his vote in 2004...yet he voted for Justice Roberts and Alito just the same, so we're stuck with those crockpots in the SCOTUS for the next 30 years. Thanks for nuttin', Linc.

If I were Obama, I'd tell Lincoln to go stuff his endorsement.

Meanwhile, in Congress, the Repugs marched out en masse to protest the contempt charges against Harriet Myers and Josh Bolten while FISA and Rome burned simultaneously. All in all a very strange day in Washington and on the campaign trail.

I can’t say I hate dogs anymore

People who know me know that I am a cat person.
Others, who don’t know me as well, sometimes ask me if I like dogs.

And I used to always say, “I can’t say I hate dogs…because I’ve never tasted one.”

That was then. Now we have a puppy. The cutest goddamn puppy on the whole planet, I kid you not. Even his name is cute: Toffee. Toffee is a black and tan Cavalier King Charles spaniel.

Toffee is unrelentingly. He’s turning me a cat & dog person against my will, with his supersaccharine puppyness.

7th Annual Lebowski Fest 2008

I have been to Kentucky once. I flew there in 1986 on my very first business trip, at age 27. Final destination was the General Electric aircraft engine plant in Evendale, Ohio, near Cincinnati. The local airport was/is south across the Ohio River in Kentucky, in a town named Covington. I haven’t been back since, though the thought of tramping around Louisville and checking out the childhood haunts of Hunter S. Thompson always had a certain appeal.

But now I will return to Kentucky this summer to attend the 7th Annual Lebowski Fest, July 11-12 in Louisville.

The Big Lebowski is my favorite Coen Brothers film. Attendees are expected to show up in costume. I haven’t decided if I’m going as the Dude, or as Walter. Walter is an angry person, and that level of aggression is hard to maintain. My everyday persona is much more El Duderino than Sobchak.

Perhaps I will go as The Jesus, though, and honor my Hispanic heritage.

In no case will I go as Saddam. I am relatively hairless in the facial department, and no amount of makeup could recreate the appropriate amount of faux swarthiness required.

Dream Job #4

Of my dream jobs, this is the first real one I could actually do with little or no training: Vermont Teddy Bear Counselor - specializing in Latino Bears. All I'd have to do is move to Vermont, muchacho, and brush up on my Espanol.

Here's a thought: if you are going to call them Latino, why not use the Spanish word for bears: "osos"?

There have quite an assortment of osos....here are a few:

the Latin Lover bear: "suave, debonnaire, and as romantic as they come, our Latin Lover will make her weak in the knees. Wearing a silky white shirt with gold chain and faux black leather pants, and holding a Bear-sized, red velvet rose "between his teeth," this is one Bear that will really sweep her off her feet." Um, right.

the Mamacita: a bear in a "sexy little black dress and a red velvet rose in her hair." Bonus selling point: the dress has the word "mamacita" embroidered into it.

the Papi Chulo: a bear wearing a "black shirt and pants with a red velvet rose boutonniere." Kinda gangsterish.

the "¡Te Amo!" bear: a white bear with a big ole red Liberace bowtie. Tough sell, I think.

the Amor tattoo bear: "His heart-shaped "Amor" tattoo shows the one you love just how much you really care. Wearing jeans, a white T-shirt and dark shades, he may look tough on the outside, but he's a real softie on the inside." What, no bears with piercings?

I'd have to specialize: being a generic Bear Counselor seems rough - there are way too many bears. Keeping to the ethnic ones makes the job enjoyable, mamacita.

Obama and Huckleberry

Obama had a great weekend, and Hillary had to get rid of her campaign manager.

And Huckleberry had a good weekend as well. And I never saw one news item all weekend about McCain...was he even campaigning?

What was shaping up as a hung Dem convention is now beginning to look like an Obama tsunami.

And what looked like consensus on the Republican side is now looking like open rebellion against St. John McCain.

The next few weeks should be very interesting.

Thoughts on Louisiana

Now that the Republican primary is over, for the most part...the Dems take center stage.

Louisiana is expected to go for Obama. I know he's been there recently; don't know if Hillary been to LA recently or not. I can't believe that Katrina's aftereffects are still an issue. You would have thought that the total destruction of an American city might have been a priority for the Bush Administration. But no, the Bushies are content to allow every mess they've created become the responsibility of the next President. Has there ever been such an irresponsible, incompetent group of human beings, EVER!?

I'll bet that these sluggards think they are going to enjoy the usual post-Presidential perks: jetting around the world, collecting big speech fees and consultancy tabs, holing up in think tanks. I think they are in for a rude awakening. I think they are going to be hounded every day of their rest of their lives for their various war crimes and crimes against humanity.

Conservatives are weenies without principles

Oh, they'll talk a good game. "I'm never voting for X. He's not a real conservative."

"How can I support him? He was married three times, twice to barnyard animals...my principles won't allow me to vote for him."

Here's the dirty truth. Conservatives have no principles. Lack of principle is one of the hallmarks of a true conservative. So support will coalesce eventually around John McCain, sure as stink will coalesce around an exercising ape.

Jay Severin is an excellent example. Yesterday he was all "I'm never voting for McCain. My principles won't allow me...blah, blah, blah...."

Today a caller asked him if he'd vote for McCain if Romney could be persuaded to take the Veep slot. "Well, he won't take it....but I guess if he did, I'd have to vote for him. I'm a Romney Republican..."

Yes. You're a Romney Republican - a conservative without principles.

Mittens goes out with a whimper

Romney quit today. Here's the quote from his CPAC goodbye: "If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror." And just think...we won't have Nixon to kick around anymore, either.

I hope I run into Mittens someday. I'd like to sock him right in his fat CEO millionaire's mouth.
And I'd tell him: "Listen, you big draft-dodging weenie. You've been surrendering to terror your whole life. Now for slandering honest Democrats you get to surrender to my fist."

I don't know what was more disgraceful today...listening to Mittens' drivel, or listening to Jay Severin soil himself describing the tears running down his face while he listened to this awful speech.

Romney and Severin both think he has a shot in 2012 and beyond. Here's my prediction. It aint happenin' for Romney, not now, not in 2012. Not ever.

Romney is oblivious to reality

And why shouldn't he be? He's a Mormon, for God's sake.

Any normal human being having already spent $40-50 million of their personal fortune to become President would give up after a performance like last night's.

It is crystal clear that unless Jesus himself takes his Second Coming to the Deep South in the next few weeks and personally endorses Mitt that not one evangelical voter is going to vote Romney. Every chance to vote they had last night, they voted for Gov. Huckleberry.

So run on, Mitt. Spend your limitless millions. Maybe you have secret LDS knowledge about Jesus' upcoming endorsement plans.

In the meantime those of us in the reality-based environment will enjoy watching McCain win the nomination by and by. And listen to Rush Limbaugh and Jay Severin slowly go mad.

Rove & Fox News consummate relationship

It's official.

Rove and Fox News are joining each other in unholy matrimony, just in time for Super Tuesday.

At least now when Fox News is broadcasting Karl's talking points they'll have to pay him for them. Not like their old arrangement, where Karl wrote them on the taxpayer dime and Fox News broadcast them for free.

Let me guess what his first night of punditry will sound like...regardless of how the Democratic race turns out, it will be a good night for Republicans. And regardless of how badly Romney loses, it will still be a good night for Republicans.

I think I could save Murdoch some money.

$50 million for his delegate

Rudi ended up winning ONE delegate.

He spent $50 million.
$50 million. ONE delegate.

I'm beggin' you, St. McCain. You HAVE to pick this man as your Veep. Because you need to lose with distinction. You need to lose with a little flash. Huckabee is too weird and Fred Thompson is a humorless sonambulist.

Beat Mittster next Tuesday and Rudi can be your Bernard Kerik.

This is a shoutout to my man, P-Phil

Yo, P-Phil...

I know you are snoozin' in yer whistlepig crib, being all snuggly and warm-blooded...and within hours several strangely dressed white men will rouse you from your hibernation and rudely shove your snout into the Pennsylvania sky.

Humor the weird guys, Phil. Do it for the rest of us. Pretend not to see a shadow, even if you have to crawl into one of weird dudes black overcoats.

Do it for the rest of your mammalian friends...those of us who lack even one shiny coat of fur. Some will say this has been a mild winter. I belong to the school of thought that anything short of Honolulu's average temperature is a blast of Arctic cold severe enough to have turned Shackelton around.

So be cool, fool. I noticed you're all LC (least concern) on the endangered species list...but you aint that far from VU (vulnerable). Play it smart...go along to get along, if you catch my drift.

Things the size of Rhode Island

Rhode Island is the smallest state in the good ole U.S. of A. Last year was a good year for using Rhode Island as a gauge of how large or small something was in the news. When the Antarctic ice shelf Larsen B fell apart last year, that is how the New York Times described it, as a "Rhode Island-size piece of the floating ice fringe along a fast-warming region of Antarctica." We also got compared to the California wildfires that were so destructive. I've also remember reading about RI being compared in size to impact craters from stray meteors. For the most part, Rhody is usually not associated with good news, such as "doctors removed a tumor the size of Rhode Island from Rush Limbaugh's prostate." Rhode Island is apparently about 1200 square miles.

Another state that gets used and abused in the comparisons game is Texas (260,000 sq. mi.), largest of the 48 contiguous states. Texas is therefore about 216 times bigger than Rhode Island. Now if only Texas were made of ice...

Rhode Island, it turns out, can be compared to Rhode Island.

The name Rhode Island originally applied to what is now known as Aquidneck Island - a small part of the state of Rhode Island (and home of fabulous Newport). Aquidneck Island is approximately 40 square miles. So it would be fair to say that the new Rhode Island is 30 times the size of the old Rhode Island.